Swim Good (Heartbreak Is A Motherfucker)

“I’m about to drive in the ocean
I’ma try to swim from something bigger than me
Kick off my shoes and swim good, and swim good
Take off this suit and swim good, and swim good, good”

It was 8 months ago that I was unceremoniously dumped by the first girl I had ever let myself love and it hurt like a bitch. Since then I fast tracked through the 5 stages of post-breakup grief in an attempt to keep myself from being anymore stagnant than I had been for the last 2 years.

What followed were the least productive 3 months in my entire life. It was full of sex, liquor and rock n’ roll (maybe not so much rock n’ roll, but you know… it was some pretty reckless behavior nonetheless). Moving forward was actually the last thing on my mind and instead moving past my heartbreak took precedent. You’re probably thinking that those things are one in the same, but they are very much on opposite sides of the spectrum. It was like I tapped into my dark side, or the side that had been developing in the recesses of relationship addled brain over the course of the last 2 years. It was never me masking any type of unhappiness, it was me finally putting everything and everyone else to the side for once and just dealing with myself and what I needed to make me a whole person again.

Am I proud of some of the activities that took place over the summer? Not particularly and I’m sure they’ll shape an event in the future in same way, but it’s something that I needed and I can honestly say that it’s made me a better person. Experience is key and this life is too short not to have as many, good or bad, as possible.

But at some point I had to hit a wall. And Jebus Christmas, did I. See, I was taking these secret weekend excursions to LA and Hollywood and bar hopping by my lonesome, desperate to make a connection with anyone who would give me the time of the day, anyone who would make me feel something new. And I found a lot of newness, I had moments of beautiful self discovery and devastating self loathing. Then one night I was literally high off my ass, standing on the rooftop of an scuzzy apartment complex somewhere in East LA looking over the cityscape and asking myself, out loud, “what next?” There had to be more to this life than parties and alcohol every weekend with people whom I barely knew, people who didn’t care anything about me.

And so I took a step back. I reevaluated everything. More so, I closely examined my relationships with my friends and my family. I made some tough decisions to cut some people out. Not because they were bad people, but because they were an integral part of my life that I was so desperate to leave behind. Once they were gone, I could breathe easier. I started hitting the gym in a more serious capacity, which gave me more life than I ever could’ve imagined just because for once, I was doing it for my own pleasure.

Then came the blow that changed everything. I was being laid off from my gig working for Microsoft. Suddenly the world opened up in a way I didn’t think was possible. I started considering all of the options I had. Do I say in California? Do I move to LA? Do I move up north?

Which is where this blog comes in. I’m 4 months away from not having a job (I’ve been actively searching for work in an attempt to stave off unemployment because nobody wants that shit less than me), which means I’ve got 4 months to make some pretty big decisions. I’ve already made one somewhat major one in that I’m studying to get my Personal Training cert as a fall back. But from there, I just want to chronicle the next year of my life. I want to chronicle the journey of a 25 year old man who is always struggling to be a better person than I was before.

It’s January 14th, 2014.

This is my adventure in improvement. Enjoy.

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About turnerisms

Basically it's like this: What I find awesome, you should find awesome too. Otherwise, why the hell are you here?

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