“Fall into these arms
And spend the night
With a stranger like me…”
Today, I make an admission to the masses: I take part in the world of online dating and I’m not ashamed of it… mostly.
Whew, feels good to get that off my chest. Now, let’s get to the down and dirty of it all, shall we?
As mentioned before (ad naseum), last summer I was relieved (a nice way of saying dumped) of a 2 year relationship. It hurt like a bitch for all of 6 minutes. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being alone. I’m a firm believer in the idea that in order for you to good for someone else, you need to be 100% with yourself first. It’s a motto I’ve lived by since I found myself thrust into the harsh truths of the real world when I turned 18 and it’s generally served me well in regards to relationships. If I doubt myself at all during the beginning stages of what could potentially be something beautiful, I tend to back away (or more like run away as if I set that bitch on fire and am aware that I wouldn’t survive in prison. An arson conviction is only 2nd to murder).
I wasn’t, and still am not, in the market for a relationship. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still appreciate the companionship of a lady (or, in strictly friendly situations, a man). I decided exactly 6 weeks after things ended with my ex that I would create an OKCupid and a Plenty of Fish profile. I kept as honest as possible on each profile’s bio and put only the best of the best of my photos up there. Now, I’ve had a dating profile before back when I was around 20 that ended with me dating a con artist of sorts for about 3 months. That ended as good as you would think it would’ve considering the circumstances. Another story, another blog.
This time around however proved to be a bit more fruitful in my attempts to find someone who wanted to spend time. It turns out 2 years in a relationship suddenly gave me that “sexy man” glow I had been missing previously. I joke that the worst thing my ex could have done was instill confidence in me. Every other day I was being approached with “likes” and messages saying anything as simple as a “hello” to “you’re so handsome, I love your smile.” My ego inflated with each and every visit. At first I never approached girls who caught my eye out of fear that she might actually respond and it would turn into something that I wasn’t looking for. But one day, I saw Liz’s profile.
So I decided to take that chance.
My first outing with Liz was wonderful. We met up for drinks and talked for hours about our lives, our past relationships, our interests and everything in between. It was the first time I could be that open with an absolutely stranger. It was also the first time I had casual sex with someone I had barely known for less than a day. It’s cheesy, but it’s an experience that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life if for one reason: because I did something I had never done before. Casual sex was not something that I was particularly comfortable with. See, I’m a serial monogamist through and through. Which is cool when you’re young and naive and think that relationships last forever. Then one day, you end up jaded like myself and realize that sex really isn’t that big of a deal. So sue me.
After that experience, I figured the two of us could end up being cool with each other. Maybe seeing each other occasionally for a little push-push. But then things took a really strange turn. After that initial meeting, I received a text message from Liz saying that she missed me. Um… what? How did we go from having a one-off to suddenly missing each other? Needless to say, I had to back myself away from that situation. I wasn’t ready for any type of commitment.
What followed were a bunch of hit or miss dates. Some went just as great as the first time out with Liz. And some not so well. The bad, unfortunately outweighed the good in this situation. But even in the bad, I’ve had a chance to experience things, to truly learn the things that I like and things that I can’t stand in a companion. The biggest lesson I learned was that I’m nowhere near ready to fall in love again. Not that I’m still raw about my previous relationship. It’s more the fact that I’ve had the time of my life in the last 8 months and I plan on continuing to do so for the foreseeable future.
I’m not gonna lie, I miss having that “one” to talk to at the end of the day. Someone that I can cuddle with at night. Someone that when we have sex, I know that I’m the only one and she’s my only one. As I’m completely enjoying myself right now, sexual attraction doesn’t make up for the lack of an emotional connection that I’ve been so used to. As much as I want that, I know that I’m not ready to give someone else the same amount of myself. It’s that part of my life where it’s “every man for himself” and I’m definitely out for myself. If that makes me a good guy or a bad guy, I’m not sure. I just know that as long as I’m honest with myself and honest with everyone else, I’ll come out the other side okay.
Until next time…